Conversations Between Me & I

I’m outchea thinking “How am I gonna start this blog? What’s my opening line gonna be?”

Typing…
“It’s a Sunday, a lazy one…”

Backspace…

… Thinking… “Shit, it can’t sound corny”

Then I’m like “phuck it! This is not supposed to sound poetic and shit, just type”

That’s how I landed here.

It’s amazing that what happened when I started posting on here was part of the conversation Me and I had about 30mins ago. Over-thinking.

Me hates the fact that I is such an over-analyst. Me feels that I is setting her back because of it.

Me thinks I is a lazy over-thinker and said something so heart-breaking after that statement.

Me: “Laziness and Over-thinking are rivals with you and they, themselves are rivals. They don’t mix at all. They are worst when they occupy the same space: Your mind! That’s why you’re stuck here right now, I.”

That was just too trill for I. Too damn trill. You know why? Cause I knew it was true.

Me went on to saying:
“I’m not here to bring you down. I’m just here to be real with you (Since you’re failing to be real with yourself) and unfortunately at this point in your life, you have no say over that.”

Now, I is one person that finds it hard to submit but this was Me talking. Me has never been that real with I. Yes, I was in shock but I didn’t even think of arguing it because it sounded and felt right. Who goes against that?

The rest of the things Me said to I cannot be disclosed at this point.
I almost cried though, that’s how deep me went in on I.

I and Me see this as a journey. What should they title it?

“You Define Your Own PERFECT” – @miss_concept

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I Lost Myself (Confessions Of A Hoe)

I LOST MYSELF

I lost myself in blue jeans of a light skinned brother I met at a club in Rosebank last year
Swept me off my feet
Bought me a few drinks
Whispered sweet nothings in my ears
Took me home
Undressed me
Unzipped his pants
And I got lost in them

I lost myself in purple skinny jeans
Of a good looking and trendy brother I met in newtown a week after
Swept me off my feet
Bought me a few drinks
Whispered sweet nothings in my ears
Took me home
Undressed me
Unzipped his pants
And I got lost in them

I lost myself in rugby shorts after a rugby match
To a buff and physically perfect brother who
Swept me off my feet
Bought me a few drinks
Whispered sweet nothings in my ears
Took me home
Undressed me
Unzipped his pants
And I got lost in them

I lost myself in foreign and local pants
Lost myself in pants of all races
Pants of all ages
Some pants in cars
Some in hotel rooms
Some in weird homes
Some in bathrooms
Pieces of me scattered everywhere
I lost myself

And you wonder why I’m a different person everytime you talk to me

I LOST MYSELF

“You Define Your Own PERFECT” – @miss_concept

It Could Only Get Worse

They pollute the mind of the young
Today is depressed by it’s survival
And Tomorrow dreads its own arrival
Cause it could only get worse

They host revivals
Revivals that encourage negativity
Revivals that support prejudice
Where artificial intelligence is a trend
Where you dress up to please the viewer
And young girls spread legs to add value to their worth
And hide their insecurities behind stunners and pink lip stick
Hide their pain underneath expensive clothing
And attempt to walk tall with Loubitin’s they bought in the JHB CBD
Yes, today is still suicidal
And tomorrow keeps postponing its arrival
Cause it could only get worse

They hide their brains under what they call Brazillian weaves
Yet they wonder why men don’t see them as african queens
Starve themselves and collapse in classrooms
Deprive themselves from watching cartoons
Sacrifice studying for an exam to watch and imitate a Kardashian
They are Black but try hard to be Caucasian

And my mother asks:
“Child, is this the freedom I fought for?”
With headphones in my ears I failed to hear her properly
She questions her parenting skills and wonders how she could’ve raised me so sloppily
I’ll do right tomorrow
But tomorrow is skeptical of its arrival
And today dreads its own survival
Cause it will only get worse

“You Define Your Own PERFECT” – @miss_concept

Life (The Mission, The Report)

I’ve established that I’m curious bout the concept of life more than anything.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense and the more my spirit finds peace with the world.

I’ve been sitting and thinking: “Shit! What’s my purpose though? Why am I here? What do I wanna do with MY being here?”
And that lead me back to this “What is life?” question. So I came up with this…

I dunno where I was before birth because it’s not relevant to my current mission.

Life is an assignment. I was given the freedom to do what I want with it at birth. I was given the world and nobody ever said this assignment I’m doing is gonna be easy.

All I really have to do is live. Compile my own individual report about my life; What I did, what I learnt, what I gained, what I achieved and an overall conclusion bout the concept of life.

What we mortals refer to as “Life” is a mission. We gotta find something purposeful to report back to the rest of the class when we go back.

The people we meet here, shouldn’t distract you from fulfilling your purpose and making most of your journey. We’re all passing by and we’re all here for different purposes. Whoever and whatever we come across shouldn’t be set backs.

(My mind is racing and I’m just touching and leaving everything)

This is how I understand that I’m unique and I’m here to be great.

God put us on a field. He’s here observing us.

He put out instruction to go live and compile a report bout this field where He placed us.
“God: Go out there, make the most of it and I’ll call you up when I need a report back.”
The moment we get on the field is what we mortals refer to as “Birth”.
That’s when preparation starts.
• You are fed to be healthy
• You are taught many many things as prep for the field.

We are placed on the field. We live. Our mission takes off. We meet people, encounter hardships, we fall in love, discover things we hang on to too long, etc. (Those are all part of your report too) but these things and people tend to make us forget our mission. We tend to get distracted; sometimes short term, sometimes long term. We lose ourselves in the material & physical world. We forget that we are not here to stay forever, we’re passing by.

We have to find our purpose/s and work them into our report. We could be anything we want because we were designed to work with anything thrown our way. Yes, WE ARE THAT GREAT.

All these people we worry bout impressing and hurting, or whatever, kinda don’t matter unless you finna pop up in their report and score more points with God (Touching lives). That’s just a plus, though, it’s not really something you have to do. Your main priority should be focusing on YOUR mission. Compiling the best report on earth, presenting it to God (or whomever you believe in) and getting a score for your spirit to advance to the next level.

Think of it like school. You’re there with 20 other people in class but you’re actually there for your own benefit and nobody else’s. Yes, you’re welcome to help your fellow class mates and make friends and be a lil naughty. But what you present to your teacher shall determine if you will advance to the next grade or not.

The difference with school and life, though, is that with school you are given time. With life, on the other hand, you don’t really know when you may be called up to come do your presentation. We gotta make most of NOW.
Another difference between life and school: School, you get taught the lesson 1st then you’re tested. Life, you’re tested 1st then given the lesson.

I could go on and on and on bout this but yeah…

Point is:
1. Live
2. Live for yourself
3. Remember you’re passing by
4. You are great. Be great.
5. Compile your best report
6. DON’T BE AFRAID!

The term “death” is a term only known in this game/assignment/mission we’re pushing. Let it not scare you.
Live fearlessly and make the most of the time you are blessed with.
You won’t be scared to “die” or go report back if you make most of NOW.

NOW is preparation and part of the report you’re taking home (Back to YOUR God)

Let’s compile reports worthy to share with Him and everybody else that’s gonna be there.

Love…

“You Define Your Own PERFECT” – @miss_concept

The Mind

My blunt was lit and I was out there talking to my cuz… Having basic conversations; strolling down memory lane, talking bout money, talking bout the concept of life, the possible purposes of life, etc.

I randomly asked her: “Don’t you think the mind is the devil?” When I picked up silence longer than 10seconds, I realized I gave her something to think about. I just put her entire life’s decisions in question.

What if our minds our the devil?
What if “religion” is really the “right” way? What if our religious books, be it The Bible or The Quran, are law books that we should live by but we strayed away because of “The Mind”.

The fact that all things start with a thought and there’s so much evil in the world right now because nobody is really into church anymore. Everybody has a different path they took for themselves because their minds led them to believe that it’s “right”.

The Adam & Eve story? What if we took it literally? What if the mind was personified into a Snake? What if there wasn’t a literal snake in the garden but it was just a thought that was going through Eve’s mind?

Why are all the laws in these “Law Books” or “Life Guides” (e.g. Bible) being broken so freely? Why them? Why, when we know so well that they will affect other people, do we do them anyway? Adultery, Idolising, Theft, Desire, Using The Lord’s name in vain, Murder…

I know this is a whole lot of “What if” type of shit but questioning leads to investigation (in this case we may call it soul searching) that will lead us to a truth more suited for us.

The mind should be nurtured above anything physical. If your mind is healthy, you have a healthy spirit and body. Our society is becoming toxic.

That’s just me doe. Bleh

“You Define Your Own PERFECT” – @miss_concept

Life (My Thoughts)

I’ve established that I’m not big on blogging, I’d rather tweet my random thoughts. Because I can’t hang on too long to a thought, Twitter is a lil more convenient cause there I can squeeze something into 140 Characters and make it work aaaaaaand I like the “Live” interaction vibe there… But well, Whatever.

I’m chilling in bed, watching Scandal on eTV and something about spirits getting rest so they can move on to another form of life was mentioned and people who know me know how such things get my mind racing.

I believe that the spirit never “dies”, the body does. Yes, I believe in reincarnation. I never bother to read up much on it though because I believe whatever I’m gonna read is drawn from somebody elses beliefs. Beliefs they also made up, so I meditate and allow certain truths to be revealed to me by a HIGHER me.
I was gonna say how some people tend to remind me that this is bullshit to them; but I remembered how irrelevant that is because at the end of the day, we’re all seekers of truth and nobody’s belief system is superior to the other.

Nobody really knows what happens when we die. There are stories bout heaven and hell, stories I quite frankly don’t believe but I take them into consideration because people close to me believe their spirits are gonna wind up in one of those places.

I usually compare life a board game. Snakes & Ladders, specifically… Sometimes even Monopoly. You choose your game, I’m on that S&L shit.
S&L has a 100 blocks to go through, where 1 is birth and 100 is death. Shot.
Dice roll, the games begin (This is where the saying Life Is A Gamble makes sense to me).

1st few blocks of the game reflect childhood. Not much of a hassle, the main focus is beaing healthy and growing up. There are ladders that advance you, thus promoting growth.

When you get to your #20 blocks you start dealing with snakes. Snakes are obstacles in life; health, people, etc. The snakes may pull you back but you will pick yourself up from that and roll the dice and move forward again. The older you grow, the more the obstacles(snakes) and the lesser the ladders that help to easily advance yourself to the next part of the game.
That’s when hardwork manifests. When you reach adulthood, you somehow don’t wait for opportunity to knock, you go looking for it. You study, find a job, work hard and get the things you want. You will stumble upon a ladder every now and then but more snakes are outchea tryna murk you. Na mean?

Then you reach 100 and that’s what we refer to as “death”. Death is not a spirit dying, it’s the spirit being transferred into another vessel and it begins another “term” of life. So when you get to 100, you restart the game.

For my own sake, I hope this makes sense when I read it later… But yeah, my whole point is we tend to read too much into the simplicity of life. We tend to focus on the image of the piece that we are on the board game and forget to nurture the spirit within that piece. We worry about physical death too much while we lose parts of our spirit to the material world. Parts of us that we can’t regain or re-grow….

As flawed as this thought may be, it’s originally mine and that makes it perfect. *sigh*

Whatever!
1.

“You Define Your Own PERFECT” – @miss_concept

Random (Rape)

Now, I’ve been tweeting bout my rape struggles and I kinda opened a few cans of worms… And I’m like “I shouldn’t have” because people are coming out bout their rape stories and I scratched some wounds of my own.

I scratched wounds that haven’t healed cause I’ve never given myself a chance to nurse and heal them.

Ok. I was raped twice and molested by family member.
In most rape cases, the perpetrators are people we know quite well.

1st time I was raped, I was 3. And 20 years later I still remember it like it happened just yesterday. I don’t remember anything bout my life when I was 3 except the day it happened, the day after it happened and the court case that dragged on a lil beyond my 4th year. Oh, and I also remember that social worker I didn’t like… Whatever.

Then it happened a 2nd time and I don’t remember much of that year either. Just remember the day it happened and the few weeks that followed that day cause everything was linked to that day for a while.

A part of me feels that I was robbed, not only off my childhood, but my entire life.

I have issues with men generally. Trust issues, sex issues, relationship issues in general…

I feel awkward and terribly paranoid when I’m alone with a guy. I think to myself I should either give him what he wants or he’s gonna rape me… I look around wherever we are for possible weapons to use in case he tries… I give my cousin detailed information bout who I’m with, where we are, what he drives, number plates, when I should be expected back and the guys number in case I don’t come back. It really doesn’t matter who you are and how long I’ve known you cause it’s always those people that pulled rape stunts on me, why should I trust whoever?

I stay paranoid with absolute strangers too cause I’m thinking if someone that close to me could do it, what will stop a stranger?

1 in every 3 females gets raped atleast once in her life in our country… Now, I’m not saying every victim is like me but imagine how possibly toxic our society is.

I don’t even wanna address rapists, I just wish they all die a slow and painful death and they rot in hell.
The horror they put us through… The shame we feel, the nightmares, the burden we carry til we die… How am I gonna tell the man I wanna spend my life with that I’m dirty from your filthy penis too? How do I tell him how you fit on the list of people I’ve “slept” with? How do I not feel ashamed? Imagine it’s your daughter in this position… How would you feel knowing somebody helped themselves to her vagina?

The dog that raped me when I was 3 died in 2003. I hope he’s in hell and phucken screaming like I was. I hope he’s crying harder than I was. I wish all the shitty things for him. I’ll never forgive him. I don’t care. Lord knows I tried. Therapists stay saying “forgive and set yourself free” but I doubt a rape victim knows of any psychological freedom. The word “rape” pops up and your life flashes before your eyes.

There’s no freedom, not while rape numbers stay going up.

“You Define Your Own PERFECT” – @miss_concept